Anyone who’s anyone knows that there’s only one place on the internet to go if you want to find the real freaks, and that place is Facebook Marketplace. Not only does it bring out the worst behavior in people, but it lets you know which people in your area are willing to sacrifice their commitment to basic decency and the social contract in order to secure a bargain.


Potentially one of the weirdest denizens haunting Facebook Marketplace is a man in Chicago who has messaged multiple people enquiring about the furniture they’re selling — specifically, if it has any drink or jizz stains on it.



A guy named Max shared a screenshot on Twitter of a message he received via Facebook which read, “Is this still available? Any drinks or jizz stains lol? Have to ask this day and age. I hope a good story if so! Otherwise looks like a solid, comfy couch.”


Um.




If that weren’t already bizarre enough, multiple people replied sharing messages from the same guy, who uses the exact same phrasing in all of his messages, simply swapping out the type of item being sold as needed. In total, he has contacted people about a couch, a rug and a chair, asking the exact same question about whether the items have any drink or jizz stains on them and expressing his hope that the stories associated with the stains are good.


Obviously, this is a fetish. What’s harder to work out is the exact nature of the fetish — a fetish for drink or jizz stains? A fetish for forcing other people to talk about drink or jizz stains? A more general fetish for making people uncomfortable? Or does he have some sort of mental condition that means he’s only satisfied if every item in his home is covered in stains? Surely he could just stain the furniture himself, if that were the case.


A Twitter user who claimed to have received the same message said it was a scam, which makes significantly less sense than it being a fetish — what could the end goal of such a scam possibly be?



One of the screenshots provides us with a little more insight into his mind: After learning that a chair doesn’t have any jizz stains, he responds, “Ha no fun in it ever? That’s a shame, adds character! But that means you’re a better person than me…”



Another Twitter user provided an alternative answer: that the guy sending these messages was part of a troll group that’s “been around for years on FB” that focuses on couches and primarily targets livestreams. That makes less sense than the fetish theory to me, honestly.


How entertaining can enquiring about used furniture actually be? Surely not as fun as getting off to the idea of jizz-stained furniture.