Wondering if you should stick your dick in that inanimate object? Let TikTok’s favorite Emergency Medical Dispatcher serve as your sign to keep your cock far, far away from anything other than your hand, a sex toy, or a consenting partner.

Since uploading his first video in early 2021, @Badge502 has emerged as the voice of reason TikTok needs in these horny times, stitching some of the platform's most viral forbidden “would-s” with a stern warning – don’t even think about fucking heavy machinery, shark eggs, construction equipment or anything weird, for that matter.

@badge502 #stitch with @California.Shelling Look… I get it. Nature is beautiful, nature is mysterious. People, thats literally Shark egg! Like It’s basically a modern day Dinosaur. In the video, she even shows the baby shark INSIDE THE EGG. If you do this and it breaks, you will literally have a free swimmin’ shark in yer Nether Portal. I dont know about you, but that is NOT how I wanna meet the big man upstairs. Please…do not…meet me like this. This has been a Badge502 PSA. #comedy #ems #emt #rescue #firstresponders #firstresponder #firefighter #dr #nurse #booktok #rn #kinktok #emergency #emergencyroom #ambulance #fire #medical #medtok #emtsaysno #firefightersoftiktok ♬ original sound - Badge502

“No,” he said with a stern head shake in his most recent viral stitch to a video of a worker using an automatic post driver, one that garnered more than 1.3 million likes in its first three days on the site. Like all of his posts, @Badge502 elaborated on why, exactly, getting it on with an industrial tool is a terrible, terrible idea.

@badge502 #stitch with @interestingengineering ok look…I didn’t want to have to do this one. I thought it went without saying. But every time I open this app someone is givin this thing that “come and get me” look and we cant have that! We’ve worked TOO HARD! People, this will literally tap tap tap you until there are two separate but equal halves of you. I can’t fix that, not with all the gauze or duct tape in the world. Unless you want to be an uncomfortable scarecrow the rest of your life, please don’t do this. But I’ll let you try to explain it, that will be interesting. Please..dont meet me like this. This has been a Badge502 PSA. #comedy #ems #emt #rescue #firstresponders #firstresponder #firefighter #fyp #dr #nurse #booktok #rn #kinktok #emergency #emergencyroom #ambulance #fire #medical #medtok #emtsaysno ♬ original sound - Badge502

“Look…I didn’t want to have to do this one. I thought it went without saying,” he quipped, noting that the device “will literally tap tap tap you until there are two separate but equal halves of you.” 

“I can’t fix that, not with all the gauze or duct tape in the world. Unless you want to be an uncomfortable scarecrow the rest of your life, please don’t do this,” he continued. “Please…don’t meet me like this.”

But it’s not just those with dicks who should be worried about the dangers of solo-ing too close to the sun. Enter the compression sock donner that makes The Great American Challenge look minuscule.

@badge502 #duet with @Rey #Stitch if you do this, theres a pretty good chance Im going to respond, even on my say off. Folks, this is what happens when your message is properly received. Don’t do anything you dont want to make up a story for in the back of my ambulance. I’ll listen, I’ll care, but I wont believe you. Thank you all for taking this ride with us, it’s truly my privilage to make you smile :) This has been a Badge502 moment of gratitude. #comedy #emt #ems #rescue #firstresponders #firstresponder #frefightersoftiktok #firefightertiktok #firefighter #fypシ #dr #nurse #booktok #rn #kinktok #emergency #emergencyroom #ambulance #medtok #medical #emtsaysno ♬ original sound - Rey

“Don’t do anything you don't want to make up a story for in the back of my ambulance,” he captioned his stitch of a video begging him to respond to the original clip. “I’ll listen, I’ll care, but I won't believe you.”

So take it from @Badge502 – please, for the love of all that is good, keep it in your goddamn pants.

@badge502 #stitch with @williamdarrellartist this is a public service announcement from every EMT, Nurse, Dr, and everyone in between. Do not…I repeat, do not. And if you do, dont tell me it was an accident. #comedy #emt #ems #rescue #firefighter #firefighters #emtsoftiktok #Nurse #emtsoftiktok #RN #doctor #quiet #paramedic #fyp #fypシ #foryoupage #911 #emergency #greenscreen #emshumor #stitch ♬ original sound - Badge502